*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.