[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Not my job 😂
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.