you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Succinctly put.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
me as a parent
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon