Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
You Might Also Like
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Finally
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.