*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Just how popey was the pope today?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.