When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
You Might Also Like
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
$3 #books
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.