I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
crochet youtube is brutal
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?