“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You Might Also Like
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?