Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
(2022)
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.