A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.