I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks