“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Not😆🤣
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.