I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*