the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning