This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.