I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers