Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now