I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
the rocks need my help
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My love language is deader than Latin
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.