who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
You Might Also Like
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Duolingo getting serious.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner