my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
You Might Also Like
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming