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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.