My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“We will wed,” I threatened
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no