Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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This is my pinned tweet
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.