her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t