Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Every haunted house movie:
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’m confused about plants
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”