Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.