If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.