(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
pep talk
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.