I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I’M CRYINGGG
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Cha-ching is my safe word
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.