I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’ve had worse
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos