How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Damn right I鈥檓 cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me trying to walk in a dream
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Venn diagrams. You either love 鈥榚m or you hate 鈥榚m. Or you鈥檙e somewhere in the middle.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If you鈥檙e bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won鈥檛 post anything good here starting in 2016.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn鈥檛 care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they鈥檒l be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.