Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…