May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too