Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
peep davidson
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?