Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.