Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I am a gravy boat captain
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.