WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
peak technology
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Swedish for common sense.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume