I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human