me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Who does Amazon think I am?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
A choir of Spring onions
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.