My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
How to draw a duck
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.