HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
You Might Also Like
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
If a snake ate a cake
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.