HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Body by Oreos