Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Somebody’s lying.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
i was baptized in a car wash
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: