My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting