When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
shut up and take my money
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My neck, my back, my…
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’