Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*