Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Sending in my taxes
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.