waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My apartment is a mess, I should move
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired