What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.