Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.